Over many years of working with families, it has become clear that the #1 reason families have so much contention and separation (fighting) is miscommunication and/or lack of communication. It is important to communicate clearly, to ensure our message is getting to the other person correctly. Yet many adults have not learned how to do this, so children are not learning how to do it. What we tend to teach children when they fight is to separate. I believe this is why so many marriages end in “separation” today.
Communication is made up of three things: body language, tone and words. People often text, especially when they are upset, which makes things worse because the receiver is “guessing” the sender’s tone, feelings and intention. Not a good plan. Texting is only words, so we miss 93% of what the sender is trying to say.
Have you heard of the game “telephone”? One person whispers something to another person, who then whispers it to the next person, and you keep going until the last person whispers what they heard to the first person. It is RARE when that last person says to the first person the same thing that was shared in the beginning. This is how things can go off track in a relationship, without any ill will whatsoever.
Below are simple steps you can do to teach your kids better communication skills:
- Sit down as a family (feel free to include something enjoyable like ice cream, hot cocoa, etc.).
- Ask your kids if they like arguing, fighting and being upset with each other. (Most will say no.)
- Tell them you just learned something new that will help your family fight less, and ask if they would be willing to try it out.
- Then play telephone (instructions above). Let someone volunteer to be the first sender. Spread people out so they can only hear the person passing the message to them.
- See how well your family does when the last person shares the message with the first person (out loud for everyone to hear). Was it correct or incorrect?
- Then play again, but this time have each person repeat back to the sender what they heard before passing on the phrase. (The receiver is able to clarify if they are hearing it correctly or not. Then the message can be passed along without any miscommunication.)
- You can see how well everyone did when the last person shares with the first. You should see a significant difference.
This is a great skill your family can practice in everyday conversations. Each person simply repeats back what they “think” they heard so the other person can confirm or clarify. Repeat the process until the receiver fully understands what the sender is saying.
Remember … practice makes perfect! It may slow things down at first, but you will all get better at it quickly and it will be worth the effort!
Traci L. Williams is the Founder of A Loving Way to Parent. She is known for her intuitive and practical approach to parenting. She can be reached directly at 951-240-1407 or traci@alovingway.com. www.alovingway.com