People get angry sometimes. It’s part of life. Yet, often when our kids get angry, we don’t know what to do about it. We scold, restrict, redirect, take things away, threaten and yell, but it doesn’t work. Parents and kids are left frustrated. Relationships become damaged. No one wins. How can you help your child, instead of hurting them? Try these five steps:
Step 1: Find Out Why
It’s important to find out what the cause of their anger is. What were they doing? Are they angry with someone or a situation? Are they tired, hungry or disappointed? These are all important questions to ask. If your child seems angry most of the time, try to pinpoint when that began. When a child is angry, there is usually a reason. It’s important to address anger as soon as possible so it does not get worse.
Step 2: Connect and Validate
You want to be part of the solution, so connecting with them is essential. Rather than criticizing them for being upset, ask what’s going on and find out how you can help. Validate how they feel. Again, everyone gets angry. They need to know it’s okay to feel that way. Going on a short walk or drive, or grabbing their favorite snack while you chat, are great ways to connect and open a space for sharing. What they need most is a listening ear.
Step 3: Explore Options
After you have listened to what’s going on, depending on their age, ask your child “How can I support you?” Do they want you to talk to a teacher, help with a school assignment, walk them through a friend issue, help them get through a disappointment, or are they simply tired or hungry? With very young children, they might just be overstimulated. Explore options to see what would be most helpful.
Step 4: Create a Plan
Now that you understand the problem and your child feels heard, together you can create a plan of action. What are you (or they) going to do to resolve this? When and how will this happen? What new communication skills can you teach them in the process? This is a great time to teach them how to express themselves more effectively when they run into a similar situation in the future.
Step 5: Follow-up
A door has been opened through this conversation and you want to keep that door open. You can do this by following up to see how things are going. You can take another drive or walk “just because”. I suggest scheduling a “date day” (1-2 hours) each week with each child (30 minutes is sufficient, if you have multiple children and time is an issue). You want consistent connected 1-1 time with each child so you are their go-to person in both good and bad times.
You’ll notice this article is not about ways to change their behavior, force them into compliance, or withdrawing your time or attention as punishment for “acting out.” It’s about connection, communication and problem solving. It’s about fostering a healthy lifelong relationship. That’s the goal!
Our kids are going to struggle sometimes, just like we do. How will they learn to get through those hard days if we don’t teach them? It’s not about getting angry or reprimanding them for how they are handling their anger. It’s about taking the time to address it with love and understanding, teaching them how to handle their emotions effectively.
If you or your child are struggling with anger and need a little help to get on a better track, feel free to reach out for support. I’d love to talk about your situation and provide some assistance for resolving it.
Traci L. Williams is the Founder of A Loving Way to Parent. She is known for her intuitive and practical approach to parenting. Reach out directly at 951-240-1407 or traci@alovingway.com. www.alovingway.com