Parents often find themselves confused about consequences, especially when they don’t understand the difference between discipline and punishment. As a parent, if you feel guilty for being too harsh, or want to kick yourself for giving in, you may find these tips helpful:
Tip #1. The difference between discipline and punishment.
Discipline is all about teaching. You not only want your child to change a particular behavior, you also want them to learn something in the process. By learning something, I don’t mean learning to be afraid of you, but instead learning to “want” to do the right thing. Your goal is to equip them.
Punishment is more about penalizing a child for doing something you don’t like, but doesn’t take into consideration what they are learning. What they tend to walk away with is resentment because the consequence is often given out of anger and does not include a two-way conversation or an attempt to understand what occurred, and why.
Tip #2. Disciplining in anger.
One thing that will help you avoid the guilt of being too harsh is to make sure you are not giving consequences out of anger. We’re all human and it’s not easy to be even-keeled when you are angry or disappointed. In order to be more neutral and give a consequence that makes sense, you need to deal with your anger before giving the consequence. You don’t want to take your anger out on your child. Instead, step away and process your feelings so you can come back calm, clear and kind. Let them know there will be a consequence shortly. That’s almost harder for them because they have to sit and wonder what it will be. Otherwise, you are teaching your kids it’s okay to lash out in anger, to not keep their word, and, if they can live through the initial blow-up, consequences often disappear.
Tip #3. Consistency matters.
Consistency is a key element. If NO turns into YES sometimes, your kids will not take NO for an answer; they will push for that YES every single time. They get in trouble, but in reality, they don’t know what your NO really means.
Tip #4. Passing on skills.
Everything we do as parents is to assist our children in growing and maturing into well-adjusted adults. They will pass on what you teach them (good, bad and indifferent) to their children. You have so much influence over what the next generation will pass on. So, when you need to correct your child’s behavior, consider what your next move will teach them. Hopefully, it will be values, consideration and how to make healthy choices. Remember, you want to discipline your child, not punish them.
The journey of parenting is all about teaching life skills. If your parents didn’t do a great job while you were growing up, it can be harder, but not impossible. This is the perfect opportunity to heal your wounds and do a better job with your own children. You can do this! Feel free to schedule a free 15-minute phone call with me. I’d love to see how I can support your family.
Traci Williams is the CEO of A Loving Way to Parent. She is known for her practical and intuitive parenting style. She can be reached directly at 951-240-1407 or traci@alovingway.com.