“Because I said so” is a popular response given to kids when parents don’t want to, or feel they shouldn’t have to, give more details (and sometimes because the child is not taking no for answer; this article is not about the latter but feel free to contact me if you need support with that). The question to ask ourselves is “Is this helpful?” The answer is usually no.
Raising children includes educating them about life. That’s a huge part of a parent’s job. Years ago, when it became the norm for both parents to work, we started outsourcing the part of learning that used to happen at home. Then, we started sending our kids to school younger and younger, outsourcing even more of our opportunities to teach life skills and family values.
The Risk
When we stop spending time together, we not only lose opportunities to teach our children wonderful and useful life skills, but we also lose our connection with them. Everyone becomes busy with their own activities and disconnection slowly creeps in.
As each generation is growing up, we see less and less family time which equals less opportunities to teach children through unique relational interactions that happen at home. These specific lessons are not generally taught in school or sports.
What It Looks Like
OPTION #1
Child: Why can’t I go to my friend’s house?
Parent: Because I said so.
This is a short interaction (if the child drops it there), so the parent is happy. However, it creates a lack of connection, communication and understanding between the parent and child.
Explaining our responses to our children is not about hoping they agree with us (although sometimes they will) or obtaining “permission” to say no. It’s about teaching them how to process choices and priorities so they can make wise decisions in their adult life.
OPTION #2
Child: Why can’t I go to my friend’s house?
Parent: Remember, if your friend’s parents aren’t going to be home, your dad and I are not comfortable with you being there. If you want to have everyone here instead, we can do that. I understand you wanting to get together with your friends. Do you think having everyone here instead would work?
See the Difference?
The difference is you are starting a conversation. It’s done with understanding and respect, not rudeness. This is how you create connection, even if your child doesn’t get what they want in the end. They get to see your perspective, consider an alternative solution and realize you do care. That’s huge!
Teaching our children life lessons takes time. You can compare it to the value of taking time to go to the dentist. The alternative is pain and cavities. Similarly, not taking time to invest in your parent-child relationship usually ends in disconnection and a broken relationship.
Next Steps
The next time your child asks for something, consider starting a conversation instead of shutting them down. It’s about having a relationship, and relationships take time. If you don’t invest now, you risk losing the relationship now and later. If you would like some assistance in getting from where you are to where you want to be, feel free to schedule a free 15-minute phone call with me.
Traci Williams is the Founder of A Loving Way to Parent. She is known for her practical and intuitive parenting style. She can be reached directly at 951-240-1407 or traci@alovingway.com.